Preparation to Finish

I haven't been doing anything lately although in my heart i want to. I'm tired and overwhelmed right now and Thanksgiving is approaching. I guess my main reason for being idle is I've lost some of the fire i started out with.
I plan for races by mapping out travel routes and event parking. Then i make sure the ride is fueled up and my gas money covers the miles I'll travel. All that after spending time choosing an outfit and a backup just in case i need to change. It's a long methodical process to reach the destination. Once i get there i feel relief to find a parking spot and then try to relax before the horn sounds.
Still i can't lie I'm alone with my thoughts while waiting for the race to start. I watch couples, families  and friends gather ad i wonder around by myself.  I have made an effort to talk to people and for the most part they are friendly but then it's back to me, myself and I again.
Then the race starts, the crowd gathers and im part of the horde. They take off like wild mustangs moving out of their corrals as i jog a few feet to keep from getting trampled. Soon the crowd clears and runners fade in the distance, I am alone again. I settle into my pace and begin the mental game.
I think about home bemoan the horrible course, question why i even signed up and look back to see id I'm last. More often than not i hold down the spot. I notice that the folks who claimed they were walkers run the first mile noone walks that fast.
Im content back here the world forgets me but i keep pushing to reach my goal. I came to finish and collect my bling. These are 5ks the medals are bubble gum machine quality, certainly nothing to go cross eyed over. I do the occasional half or 10k  but i mostly i take on the 5ks. Lack of speed keeps me from making the time limit cutoff at in person events. I know i can't make a three hour deadline yet. So i wait for the day my speed improves enough to do a half in person.
Right now this lone walker is content to make the best of each journey. I don't want to seem needy that is not my style. I do desire a more soulful race experience. When participants  finish the race they don't stick around they leave but after a five i still feel energized. For me getting the medal is a let down, finishing is a high. I want to do something more following my victory but what. I grab a water or juice and once my thirst is quinced all is good. I have the ride home to manage, i walk to my ride. The whole experience is anticlimatic i  let the dogs out of my shoes and lean back in the seat.I feel bummed but driving perks me up.
I make sure i get some tourist time in if the event is out of town or i stop somewhere local if im near home.
Still my mind is never far from the woman who gave birth to me. Im doing this guilt trip solo. I, no we had dreams now we just have hopes and prayers. I call on the lord often, well everyday more times than i can count. Thats why im making these trips, my spirit has to be let out to soar. I walk for peace of mind, not exercise,weight loss or health. I need a sanity booster and striving for the finish line gives it to me.
I return home turn off the ignition and gather the days goodies. A bag with my shirt and medal, receipts, trash sometimes a jacket. Thank God im home, i check on mom, wash then hit the sack. It was a good day i want to do it again.Thus is the life of a caregiver.