Monday, September 29, 2014

You've seen the "glory",now here's the story

Its been a decade since i stepped off the wheel of life and dedicated myself to taking care of my mother.
Yes I'm a caregiver and at one point in my life the worst kind.
I was the child that stopped her bus to ride my mothers. What's wrong with that you say, well in order to take care of others we must first care for ourselves. I let myself go physically by eating away stress and putting off my dreams. Emotionally i shut down to simply an existing mode. I had given up my corporate america job and was surviving on a small self employement income. I sold my cars as i couldnt afford to keep them and walked, rode my bike or caught the bus everywhere. Make no mistake this was not glamorous. Lugging bags of groceries on and off crowded buses in hundred degee florida heat and walking two miles home wasnt fun.
I was stressed out with no support from family or friends. I saw dreams and goals slipping away while i watched my mothers memory and body deteriorate. What could i do but pray, it's what held me and saved me.
Then one day as i walked to the bus stop an inner voice spoke to me. It was a simple message, take better care of yourself. I didn't know just how much i needed to hear that. My skin was so blackened by stress and the sun i hardly recognized my dark overweight self in the mirror that morning. My eyes were dull and dark not their usaul light brown. I couldn't get over the fact i was so huge either. I was so large it broke my heart to see pictures of myself.
People don't understand that often our image of ourselves are heart felt not visually driven. Yes we see our reality in reflections but when you innately feel yourself first it causes hurt that others dont bother to probe that deep. We live in a picture perfect society. If our external appearances are pleasing then we are acceptable despite our faults.
I wasn't worried about society though i had already said to hell with what people think, it was my concern for myself that mattered most and the truth of the matter was clear I was dieing not literally but figuratively. I'd let go of life or to be more exact my dreams. I was walking down a road of sea shells and as i moved along many of my desires and goals where crushed. The pit i was in was dark and it's sides were so slippery i found it difficult to climb out. Until i heard that voice call to me.
That day instead of walking into the grocery first i walked up the street in the shopping center to the plus sized womens shop.
I entered looked around and annouced to the clerk i was tired of wearing mens jeans and tshirts just to be comfortable. I told her i would be back to buy nice feminine clothes. I did go back but it took a year! In that time i took up walking to help clear my mind. I was already walking because i had to but my new treks were personal. They were just for me because i wanted to. Not long after taking up walking i decided i wanted to run.I brought running shoes and started my own training. The plan was to do just 5ks so i would go about four miles daily besides my walking chores. I made it to a point where I was doing twelve minute miles on a run walk basis.
Thats when i went back to the store to buy some clothes. Exercising again made me feel good and the pride i used to take in my appearance returned. I brought regular clothes and cute running outfits it really felt great to look nice again. I was starting to reclaim the old me
Then i strained my knee before race season started. I wasn't running related, i turned in bed but my knee didnt, not the most exciting story but true. My times went down and and i struggled to keep up with the pack in races. I never gave up though and never will. I posted in a running group about my last race. I said whoever said that finishing last doesn't mattee as long as you Finnish lied. I meant it in a competive way. I already won they day god allowed my spirit to receive the message to get back up and do for myself again.I didnt tell those responders all that though but i thanked them for their support.
Today I'm walking the remaining events on my "run" calendar. I already know i will be last in most of them. This knee will heal the tenderness is going away slowly  but it needs rest. I have to keep moving though, it will take time to recover.
As i sit here and type the knee feels so much better and it didnt bother me at all in my last outing . Still i will be giving it a rest for two weeks and see how things go.
My reaaon for running is to get my life back not for the bling I'll be missing out on while i take a break . I am hard working but will admit that sometimes i forgot to become selfish enough to love on me every once in awhile. This new found hobby is my freedom, i shared my "secret" with my mom and she is supportive. Her health is failing but i thank the lord for whatever time i have left with her. However now i make sure to take care of me too. My mother is my life, running gives me strength and God has granted me the blessing of protection The lord walks with me and uplifts me daily and that's what i mean by freedom feels like this.

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